پاسخ : Short Storie The Female Demerit System In the world of male-female relationships, one single rule applies: · Make the woman happy · Do something she likes and you get points. · Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. · You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played ! SIMPLE DUTIES You go out to buy her what she wants (0 points) In the rain (+8) But return with beer too (-15) HER PROTECTOR You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out the suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out the suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with a baseball bat (+10) It's her cat (-50) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-20) Named Heather (-50) Who is a dancer (-120) And has breast implants (-380) HER BIRTHDAY OR YOUR ANNIVERSARY You give her a dozen roses and a box of chocolates (0) You take her out to dinner (0) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3) Okay, it's a sports bar (-10) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-30) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-50) A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie (0) You take her to a movie she likes (0) You take her to a movie you hate (+10) You take her to a movie you like (-20) It's called 'Death Cop 2 - Revenge' (-50) You lied that it was a foreign film about romantic relationships, orphans or animals (-150) HER RELATIVES She says "My Mother/Father/Sister/Brother is coming to stay with us for a week." You say "Fantastic, I'm really looking forward to it!" (0) You say anything else (-100) YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-500) THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) You immediately reply "Of course not!" (0) You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Uh..." (-20) You reply, "Where?" (-75) Any other response (-200) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about something, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for over 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100) She realizes you have fallen asleep (-400)
پاسخ : Short Storie Stutter A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
پاسخ : Short Storie henpecked husband One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines; The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
پاسخ : Short Storie The man with no ears Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!
پاسخ : Short Storie Men & Women TWO WOMEN TALKING: Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 2: Are you serious? Your face is adorable. You could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine. Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier............... TWO MEN TALKING: Man 1: Haircut? Man 2: Yeah.
پاسخ : Short Storie Spelling Mistake This is how one spelling mistake can destroy your life! A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word: "I'm having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her...!"
پاسخ : Short Storie Driving Two elderly women share the driving back and forth to church on Sundays. This particular Sunday they were out driving in their large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went right on through. Ethel, the woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red and again they went right through, narrowly missing a turning vehicle. This time Ethel was almost sure that the light had been red but was still concerned that she might be mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through almost hitting a pedestrian. Ethel turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know you just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
پاسخ : Short Storie Funny Quotes 4 Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. — William Claude Dukenfield Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. — Douglas Adams Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Hard work never killed anyone, but why risk it? Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on. I can resist everything except temptation. — Oscar Wilde I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I don’t care who you are! Get those reindeers off my roof! I have a drinking problem – the bars close at 2 AM. I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better. I need someone really bad! Are you really bad? I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming. — Jimmy Carter I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
پاسخ : Short Storie Sometimes... Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears. Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt. Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your stress. Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But fart just one time... And everybody knows!
پاسخ : Short Storie Funny Quotes 3 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. — Emo Philips 43% of all statistics are worthless. 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. — Robert Frost A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. Be naughty – save santa the trip. Better late than... really late. Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime? Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
